Dark and cold
by A-Karana
Summary: Bates finds out. Set after episode 4.4


I wrote this rather quickly after last nights episode. I needed something to make me feel better. Simple as that.

* * *

**Dark and cold**

Anna was gone and there was nothing he could do. It had been eight weeks and she was still living at Downton, was still as distant if not even more so.  
Bates sat in their cottage and looked around, remembering the good times and couldn't stop his tears from dropping onto the table. They glistened in the dim light of the oil lamp in the table, the only source of light in the small kitchen. There was a small piece of paper in front of him, a pen in his hand as he was trying to make a list. A list of all of his shortcomings and of the mistakes he made. It was one more desperate attempt to find out what he had done wrong. The section with his shortcoming was full, from his leg to his age and his old smoking habit, but the side with how he had mistreated his wife was nearly empty. He loved Anna and all he wanted was for her to be happy. He had no idea what he had done wrong.

"Maybe", he said out loud.

* * *

~*~  
Anna lay in her bed in her old room at Downton, her knees drawn up to her chest. The pain of her injuries had been gone for a while now, at least the physical pain. The mental pain, the one in her head and in her heart stayed and didn't seem to vanish.  
She couldn't sleep anymore because frightened she listened to all sounds in the house. Every little noise made her jump as she feared that he would come back and find her alone in her room. It had been her choice to go back to Downton and leave her husband and her little cottage behind. How she missed John. She saw him every day and beside the longing for the safety he provided seeing him caused her to feel ashamed, dirty and frightened at the same time. She longed for him to hold her and tell her that he would keep her save, but at the same time the thought of any man touching her intimately ever again made her stomach turn. She would lose him, she knew. Surely she would lose him if she told him because he would be disgusted by her or because he would kill Mr. Green. And if she didn't tell him she would lose him because he thought she didn't love him anymore. how wrong he was.

"John," she sobbed quietly into her pillow, knowing no one could hear her.

* * *

Maybe if he wrote down how she had changed then maybe he would find a clue what he had done?  
And so he started to write down every small thing that had changed. He started with 'she doesn't smile anymore, she doesn't touch me anymore, she avoids me, she's jumpy, she's quiet, she jumps when I try to touch her'... The list became longer and longer and he added the things he had others heard saying. How she snapped at people, how she had dropped the tray when Lord Grantham had entered the room she was in. Then he added another column naming it 'oddities'. She had left her favorite blouses here when she left for Downton, the ones she bought because he thought they made her eyes stand out. The scratches on her face and how she had avoided talking about them. How her story changed slightly each time she told it. The strange secrets with Mrs. Hughes she seemed to have. The dress she threw away and didn't clean because of some blood. When he was done he looked at the lists, read it over and over and at one point realized that it must have been the day of the bruises on her face. The day when everything changed. They had had a quarrel about Mr. Green because he had had a bad feeling about him. He had reminded him of a guy in prison, a murderer, who had always bragged amongst the others how many women he had taken...  
Suddenly his breath caught in his throat and his eyes widened. That night Anna had wanted to get a glass of water while he was upstairs listening to the opera. When he had next seen her she looked scared and upset, had bruises on her face, her dress was ruined and she jumped when he wanted to touch her... Dear god, not Anna, not his Anna! He was a fool. Quickly he took a look at his pocket watch and saw that it was late enough that part of the staff would already be up. He got ready as quickly as he could and then hurried to the house, list clasped in his hand.

* * *

~*~  
Anna dressed for another day of work. it wasn't that cold yet but still she wore as many layers as she could. Maybe if she had done that before she hadn't tempted Mr. Green. And he hadn't been able to rip her dress apart so easily. Her own wanton behavior had got her where she was now, violated, away from her husband and scared of every man. She had always enjoyed the physical part of their relationship, even the first time on their wedding night. Sometimes she wanted John so much that they barely made it through the door of their cottage. Several times they had barely escaped scandal because she had pulled him into one of the rooms at Downton to have her way with him, as he called it. Mr, Green must have seen what a wanton slut she was. That's what made him believe she wanted it. He had told her. He had told her that he knew she wanted it. She carelessly wrapped her hair in tight bun and left her room, hoping to see a glimpse of her husband so she knew he was okay, before she would try to avoid him for the rest of the day.

* * *

"My Mr. Bates you are here early," Mrs. Hughes said when she saw him.

"Mrs. Hughes I need to talk to Anna. And you," he added as an afterthought because he knew that if he was right with his suspicion then Anna would never agree to being alone in a room with him.

"Of course, let me fetch her," she replied and looked curious and worried at the same time.

* * *

~*~  
"Anna, Mr Bates is here and wants to talk to the both of us," Mrs. Hughes said when she found her in the common room.

"Tell him I don't have the time now," Anna replied, her eyes widening in panic. She didn't want to hear it, whatever he had to say. Would he divorce her because she had left him? Would he leave service because he couldn't stand being near her? Maybe he had found out somehow and would tell her that he had killed Mr. Green. Whatever it was, it wouldn't be good. She didn't want to hear it. Not now. Not ever.

"Anna, I'm sorry my dear, but you will have to come. It seems important," Mrs. Hughes insisted and made it clear that she couldn't avoid him this time. Scared and jittery Anna followed her.

* * *

Anna didn't even greet him when she saw him, her eyes cast downwards as if she was ashamed or couldn't bear to look at him, he wasn't sure. Once the door was closed behind them in Mrs. Hughes' room he handed Anna the list he had made without another word. She looked at it, read it, then looked up at him questioningly while the paper trembled in her hand.

* * *

~*~  
She saw the list of his potential shortcomings and she wished she had it in her to argue with him, tell him that all of it was nonsense. being a cripple with a bum leg, he had written and she wanted to slap him for the term alone. Former drunk, old man, smoker, not able to give her a child, were more items on the list and she couldn't believe that he thought so low of himself. Then there was another section of how he had mistreated her. Being jealous was on there, proposing when not yet divorced, made her live through the prison nightmare, not being a good husband. He had written the last one with a question mark behind it. How could he think that? He was the best husband any woman could wish for. She was the one who was to blame, not him.  
And then there was a section with how she had changed. She realized when she read it that she hadn't been as good to keep up a normal facade than she thought she had been.

* * *

"I know what happened," he said then and saw her eyes widen in shock and fear. "It was Green, wasn't it?" he asked. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Mrs. Hughes stiffen at the name and knew he was right. "You wanted to get a glass of water," he started and told the tale as he thought it went. "He was in the kitchen. He must have hit you, ripped your dress open and violated you." His voice was trembling as he said it even though he tried to stay calm. Anna went into full panic mode immediately.

"No, it ... He didn't... I must have done something... Don't kill him. They won't let you out another time. They will hang you if you kill him. It wasn't... It was my fault," she rambled and started sobbing.

"Anna, love," he said as calmly as he could muster," this was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. He hit you, he forced you and I am so so sorry that I wasn't there to stop him. I should have gone with you..." He trailed off when he realized that would get him nowhere. Anna was hysterically sobbing, begging him not to kill Green. Bates wanted to kill him, oh how he wanted to, but seeing his wife like this broke his heart and he knew he had to be there for her somehow. He was acutely aware that the whole length of the room separated them as he leaned against Mrs. Hughes desk while Anna huddled in a corner by the other end of the room near the door.

"I understand if you want to divorce me but don't kill him, I don't want you hanged. I can't lose you another time," she sobbed and he knew then that there was hope. Even now she was still trying to protect him, she still loved him. The situation was horrible and he was helpless, but he felt a bit relieved because she still loved him.

"Anna can you look at me, please?" He pleaded and was relieved when she raised her head and looked at him, even though she was still sobbing. "Yes I want to kill him for what he did. But you are my wife and if you tell me not to then I won't do it. I want to help you. I don't know how, but you are my wife and I love you."

"How can you still love me? You should be disgusted. I am dirty. Ruined," she replied.

"It was not your fault. And you are not dirty nor disgusting. I love you," he said again and noticed only then that Mrs. Hughes had left the room. He wished he could comfort her somehow, but he knew that she would panic as soon as he would move towards her. He had enough experience with trying to touch her these last weeks and he had heard enough stories in prison from the guys who had laughed how their victims had behaved afterwards when they couldn't escape their tormentors, because they were married or related to them.

"I want to help you. Whatever you need. You can talk to me, you know that," he emphasized. Their trust and the ability to talk openly about every topic had always been their strong suit.

"I feel so dirty and scared and I don't know what to do," she cried. At least she was talking to him again.

"You are not dirty. It wasn't your fault," he said again, because he needed her to believe him.  
"Anna I really want to hold you and keep you save," at that her eyes widened in fear, "but I know that the thought scares you. I am here though if you want to come to me. I promise I won't touch you," he offered. To emphasize he put his arms behind his back and leaned against the wall behind him. He could see the struggle in her eyes. She loved him, she wanted his comfort because he had always been her rock. But he was a man and that meant evil.

* * *

~*~  
She couldn't believe what she was hearing. He had figured out what happened to her and he wasn't leaving. He wasn't disgusted and he wouldn't kill Green if she didn't allow it. Now he even offered her comfort without wanting anything in return. But could she trust him? Wouldn't he hold her and try to kiss her? Would he touch her and force her to touch him? Maybe he only wanted her back because he wanted her in his bed again. 'You want it' she heard the voice of Mr. Green in her head. However then she looked at him and saw his gentle eyes so full of love and worry. He was just as sad and scared as she was. He didn't know what to do either. And he was hurting with her, because he loved her. It was John, her Mr. Bates, the one she had fought so desperately for and he was there for her. She could trust him. Always.

* * *

~*~  
In the end she slowly walked towards him and hesitatingly rested her head on his chest. She was so small and fragile and he felt anger rising in him again thinking how anyone could hurt her. He pushed it back down though because he knew that was not what she needed from him. He heard her inhale. Breathing him in, then felt her exhale slowly. Her arms flew around his middle and held him tight, her fists grasping his coat as she dissolved in hysteric sobs. It killed him to keep his arms behind his back, but he had promised her and so he only bowed his head and rested it on top of hers. Anna pressed more against him, as if she wanted to hide inside his body.

* * *

~*~  
The smell of his skin and his soap surrounded her and it felt like coming home, this was safety and comfort. This is what he was offering and he wanted nothing in return. How many nights had she slept with her head buried in the crook of his neck just so she could breathe him in and know that he was really there with her and it wasn't one of the dreams she had had when he had been in prison. if she could just stay there, no one would be able to hurt her again. The cold that never seemed to go away since the rape was slowly thawing, but something was missing. She clung to him, but it wasn't enough. She needed him.  
.

* * *

"Hold me, John," she sobbed then and the words had barely left her mouth before his arms were around her, clutching him to her as he cried with his wife.

"I won't let anything happen to you ever again," he promised her as he rocked her from side to side.

"I am not with child," she told him then, her face still buried in his chest. That was some relive.

"What can I do to help you?" He asked instead of saying something to her revelation.

"Stay by my side please. But don't touch me," she said but stopped him when he wanted to remove his arms. "Except for when I ask you to. I don't know what is wrong with me, but it scares me when someone tries to touch me," she said and had calmed somewhat by now.

"Whatever you need. Just don't shut me out again," he begged.

"I will try," she promised and reached up to wipe the tears off his face. He felt like a man who after weeks in the desert had just gotten a drop of water when he felt her soft palm against his cheeks. "These last weeks everything was so... dark and I didn't know what to do. Right now, here," she touched his chest with one hand, "I am feeling safe for the first time since then."

"I would never hurt you," he vowed.

"I know," she nodded and they both knew that knowing and feeling it after an assault like this were two different things. "I am so tired, John," she sighed next and rested her head back against his chest.

"Me too", he admitted. He hadn't really slept since she left him.

"I don't know if I can share a bed with you again," she went on somewhat hesitatingly. "But I don't feel save here at Downton in my old room. I fear that he will come back, that he will come into my room and..." She started to cry again.

"Come home," he whispered. "Come home and I will move out so you can sleep," he offered.

"No, don't! You said you will protect me" she reminded him upset. He was lost and didn't know what she wanted.

"Anna, what do you need me to do?" He asked her straightforward.

"Stay at the cottage. I will come home. I need you there. I don't know much more right now", she said and looked up at him, her eyes pleading.

"Alright, love", he nodded.  
Suddenly the door opened, Anna stiffened and shrank back into him. She relaxed when she saw that it was only Mrs. Hughes.

"Anna, are you up for working today? Lady Mary just rang, she needs to be dressed. But if you don't feel well then I will tell the others that you are sick."

"I just, I want to go home Mrs. Hughes. But I need Mr. Bates with me. Please," she begged, knowing how impossible her request was.

"Take her home Mr bates and take good care of her. If you need anything then let me know," the housekeeper told them and closed the door again. A second later she came back and handed Anna her coat and her hat. She put it on and then to Bates biggest surprise took his hand.

"Don't let go of me," she requested.

"Never," he vowed and followed her out of the room. As they walked through the servants room Thomas rushed in and made Anna jump. Immediately Bates was in front of her, providing a barrier between Thomas and Anna. Once they were outside and she relaxed slightly she squeezed his hand.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Thank you," he replied and held her hand a bit tighter as they walked the long way home and started the even longer way of Anna's recovery, not knowing yet how challenging it would be. However knowing that they would face it all together.

* * *

Thank you for reading. This was written without a beta so I hope it's not too bad.


End file.
